I realize this advice may seem contradictory within a musing on “vast love”. Nonetheless as a non-monogamy therapist and coach, I stand by this one through and through.
Ample mental health research shows that fostering balance and control of our thoughts can have profoundly positive effects on mental wellness and health of relationships. When we let our emotions take the lead they can sometimes lead us astray down paths that won’t lead to our optimal happiness. Particularly in non-monogamous relationships, you must cultivate a keen understanding of emotions and how to balance them with practicality.
In instances of ecstatic new relationship energy (or NRE) it’s an especially good idea not to let intense emotions guide our decisions. When we let strong emotions, unfettered by rational thought take full reign of our decision-making we risk making poor choices. Those choices can cause repercussions down the line that can sometimes be difficult to reconcile.
The excitement and energy during the beginning of a relationship can be a very pleasurable and joyful experience. I am not advocating to shut down those emotions, but to recognize when they occur and how to handle them so you can make relationship decisions that are best for you. Neuroscience research has demonstrated that falling in love has striking similarities to taking addictive drugs. When you fall in love, your brain releases chemicals that induce euphoric feelings. One of the chemicals is dopamine, which is released when we do things that feel good.
Falling in love activates the neural pathway that controls reward behavior1. This same pathway is highly active during a cocaine high. It makes falling in love such an intensely good and cravable feeling. Since it feels good, you want to keep feeling that way. And you can become highly focused on pursuing the object of your affection.
You essentially start to crave the person you’re falling in love with like they are a drug. While these feelings are not inherently bad—you will be better equipped to handle these heightened emotions when you are aware of what is happening. Giving your emotions full control of the driver’s seat can lead to decisions that can be detrimental to your long-term happiness. You can over idealize your new partner, and set yourself up for disappointment in the future when they don’t turn out to be quite what you built them up to be.
You may also start to feel anxious as you don’t want to lose that person who you crave so much, which can lead you to avoid red flags that show up in the beginning of a relationship. You may want to start making compromises that you’re not completely comfortable with because you don't want to disrupt the relationship (and the wonderful feelings associated).
Infatuation with a new partner can also lead to ignoring a longer term partner. When you’re swept away with a new relationship, you have to be sure to continue considering the feelings and needs of existing loved ones in your life. If you neglect existing relationships it can lead to longer-term partner(s) feeling taken for granted, ignored, and upset. When those feelings emerge it can hinder trust and security in non-monogamous dynamics long-term, often leading to the short-term rewards being far lesser than the long-term costs.
Non-monogamous individuals may experience new relationship energy more often. That offers the opportunity to learn skills for navigating it with discernment and thoughtfulness. Experience can teach us how to keep the rush of feel good chemicals associated with NRE and “falling in love” in a grounded perspective. Learning to anticipate that onrush of good feelings and know how to deal with them is an often neglected non-monogamy skill that’s of utmost importance.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) provides evidence-based techniques for evaluating and altering potentially faulty thought patterns to increase the confidence and skills of our minds in taking the lead when needed (https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral). Learning to slow down and hone that ability can have tremendously positive impacts on our intimate interactions.
This is especially true within the context of non-monogamy— which tends to swing us into more frequent and often more potent emotional ups and downs. Although CBT is most successful when facilitated by a therapist, it’s also methodical in a way that makes it accessible for self help contexts. And there are ample books out there you could use to strengthen these valuable skills on your own. The book “Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life” is an especially helpful book because it guides people in creating their own individualized CBT treatment plans (https://www.amazon.com/Thoughts-Feelings-Taking-Control-Moods/dp/1608822087).
One of the faulty thought patterns (also called cognitive distortions, or unhelpful thinking styles) is emotional reasoning (https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/). It’s an especially important one to skillfully identify when it comes to relationships, non-monogamous or not. Emotional reasoning occurs when you believe your emotions are telling you that something you feel is true. When you use emotional reasoning, you’re telling yourself, “If I am feeling this way, then it must be real.”
However, just because we feel a certain way does not make that reality. For example, you may feel anxious if your partner did not call you that evening, and begin to think that they don’t want to see you. Just because you feel anxious, it doesn’t not mean that your worry about your partner is what is actually happening. Feelings are not facts.
Additionally, we may feel euphoric in a new relationship, that we think that those feelings or the relationship must last forever. However, if we think rationally, we know that just because we feel a certain way it does not mean that we can tell what will happen in the future. Making sure we don’t get swept up with our emotions starts with first recognizing the emotions we are feeling. This is where mindfulness techniques can really help raise your awareness of your emotions.
Mindfulness is at its core, nonjudgmental attention and awareness of what is happening in the present4. Mindfulness also teaches us to let go of attachments to outcomes. When we get swept away with our emotions, we start to tell ourselves a story of how we think things should be and turn out. We are attached to the emotions and outcomes. We might start having certain expectations of how our partner(s) should behave and where the relationship(s) will go.
It’s normal to want a relationship to go well. It’s also incredibly hard when you are feeling the excitement of a new relationship to slow down to examine how your feelings are controlling your actions. But it doesn’t mean you have to suppress those exciting emotions. You just need to recognize they are happening and remember to meet those emotions with rational thinking.
Recognizing the feelings you are having but not getting caught up in them will help ground yourself so you can think about what you really want. Emotional decision-making can lead to compromises that we don’t feel 100% comfortable with because we want to keep our potential partner happy, or are afraid of losing them. This can build a relationship that over time will erode your happiness and increase resentment.
Mindfulness is not about diffusing the emotions, but developing the tools to ride those emotional waves in relationships, particularly the heightened and more frequent emotional waves that happen in non-monogamy. It can be hard to step back, especially when we feel extremely positive emotions. Being able to slow down and manage your positive emotions will empower you to manage the challenging emotions that will come further along in relationships.
If you are completely new to mindfulness, a good place to start is recognizing and labeling the emotions you feel throughout the day. If you’re looking for more resources and insights on mindfulness, I offer a mindfulness and expressive arts course at a very affordable rate. You can sign up for as low as $5 at “Courses.vast.love”. It’s a course I created with my friend Danielle White to support people during these difficult times.
In Summary
In summary, balance in life is key. Our feelings offer us valuable information that can help us in steering our life paths, but if we don’t balance our feelings with practicality and thoughtfulness they can definitely lead us off course. As life adventures forward I urge you to stay connected with your mind, your body, and your heart as you forge ahead one mindful step at a time.