Boundary Definition: 

An action or way of thinking/feeling that we can employ ourselves that honors the separateness of our own needs, desires, emotions, & experiences from those of others.

#1: Own your own feelings without saying someone else "made" you feel a certain way. Our feelings exist within us due to how our own internal worlds interact with external events. Any two randomly selected people would feel differently in response to the same situation. That shows that it is not the situation that creates the feelings. With clear emotional boundaries people can acknowledge their own feelings without being blaming towards others.

#2: Allow space for difficult feelings to arise for other people without getting defensive or taking on a disproportionate amount of blame due to guilt. Difficult feelings arise often when nobody has done anything wrong and interpersonal conflicts tend to be the meeting of multiple people’s stuff. Over-apologizing, perseverating on self blame, or justifying your actions can indicate room for growth with this.  Having loose boundaries between self & others in this way can make people feel bad for normal emotional reactions and/or put them on the defensive too.

 

#3: Make space for you and your partner(s) to feel different things at the same time. It’s common in non-monogamy for one partner to feel sad and anxious while the other is feeling elated with NRE with a new partner. It feels good to have our feelings validated, especially when we’re feeling really bad or really good...and it’s possible to validate other people’s feelings even when we don’t feel the same way at that moment. 

# 4: If someone judges you or doesn’t like you, don’t take it too personally. The vast majority of the time people’s judgements of others have a lot more to do with their own fears, insecurities, and projections. 

# 5: Don’t try to guess what other people are thinking, feeling, or needing. For example, if someone else is upset, don’t assume you know why. The best way to find out what’s going on for someone else is to directly ask them. 

# 6: Don’t expect mind reading. Your desires are much more likely to be met if you express them as directly and specifically as possible. The idea that it’s romantic for others to just know what you want is a myth perpetuated by fairytale versions of love in movies that does great harm to relationships. When we try to guess what others want we most often just project what we would want in their situation, which tends to be off base. 

# 7: Don’t get overly involved in your partner’s other relationships. Instead, try to clearly communicate what you desire to feel good in your own relationship and choose partners you can trust to consider your feelings/needs more often than not. If you feel that a partner is being mistreated in a different relationship (romantic, work, or otherwise) it can be loving to share your perception  with them honestly. It’s also healthy to respect their autonomy if their perception is different than yours and to separate yourself the best that you can from their relationship dynamics with others. 

# 8: Own your own choices and expect your partners to own theirs. Every choice we make in life comes with it’s own set of pros and cons. There are always reasons we each make the choices that we do. Non-monogamous relationships are much healthier when everyone owns those reasons & steers clear of saying “my other partner won’t let me do xyz…”.

# 9: Respect privacy boundaries by not reading conversations or oversharing private info without the consent of everyone involved. Reading a partner’s phone convos without permission isn’t upholding good integrity...and it often leaves people with difficult feelings that they’re too ashamed to process with their partners. It’s also not respectful to share personal convos you’ve had with others without their consent. 

# 10: Disentangle from the “we” mentality & doing everything together. Enmeshment makes it very difficult to have healthy non-monogamous relationships. If you default to doing everything together it will be hard to create space for new partners in a way that feels good. Things go much more smoothly when partners build separate time into their regular grooves so there’s actually space for new partners to fit into the mix. 

# 11: Don’t people please by not expressing your own desires or watering down your most potent sense of self due to what you think others desire from you. This is a sign of loose boundaries rooted in fear of rejection/abandonment. Ultimately, people pleasing pleases no one because it leads to built up resentments & ongoing relationship conflict. It’s much healthier when each party authentically shares their desires & negotiates from a place of authenticity so everyone’s desires/needs can be considered. 

# 12: Don’t triangulate with “he/she/they said” talk. It’s healthier to communicate directly with the people you’re talking about. When we process conflict about one partner with another partner or talk badly about a shared partner with a meta it creates unhealthy relationship dynamics within the system. You can learn more about this by researching “triangulation”, which is a key focus area of family systems therapy. 

# 13: Stick to your plans & continue doing things that feel nourishing to you on the individual level. When we have partners who have limited availability it can be tempting to hold space in case they unexpectedly become available or to change plans with others to accommodate their availability. Doing do tends to build up resentments over time & is a form of codependency. Privilege also tends to play a role in this with ciswomen being overly accommodating in this way so cismen can enjoy more flexibility. 

# 14: Don’t expect that unplanned time is owned by partners (shared parenting responsibilities being considered planned time). A default that unplanned time is free to be filled spontaneously tends to set non-monogamous dynamics up for more success because it allows people to engage in separate relationships more freely without permission seeking. For some people it can be helpful to coordinate at the beginning of each week to make plans for shared time, while leaving designated time that’s free. It’s a common misconception that non-monogamy is the more free spirited structure, in which people can go with the flow in multiple relationships. In reality, considering the needs of multiple partners requires intention and scheduling. If you’re wanting to explore non-monogamy and don’t have a calendaring system already, I highly recommend getting in a groove with one! 


# 15: Don’t put up strong defensive walls around yourself that cause you to deflect from emotional awareness, connect through emotional vulnerability, cut people out who you care about, strive to control others, or reject interpersonal feedback without sincere reflection. Having such rigid boundaries may seem like it offers you protection from being hurt, but it’s actually more likely to cause you to lose important relationships, to get bogged down by shame, and/or to feel emotionally isolated . Emotional vulnerability and availability are integral ingredients for sustaining meaningful intimate connections.